I'm UPSET - With Every Right to Be Upset. Or, Maybe I'm Just Depressed.

I'm not here to be made fun of because I know that a lot of you are ready with jokes.  I'm not here to ask for encouragment, but to try to blog out my feelings with hopes to find some answers.  Maybe this is something that shouldn't even be placed on a blog, because people will make fun of me.  But, maybe something is to be learned from all of this?  Today was a very discouraging sad day.  I had to withdraw from my second chemistry class.  It was either withdraw now, or take a failing grade at the end of the semester.  I decided a withdraw would look better than another "F" for chemistry.  I didn't so much cry at this VERY DISCOURAGING NEWS, however, my voice cracked for a few moments as I talked to my Professor and Mommy on the phone, soon after finding out my recent test score.

I know of one thing I did wrong.  I went into this second chemistry with the thought that, "I just passed the first chemistry - finally, here I am all great and marvelous, I can do this second round - piece of cake!"  Oh, tis not so.  After just about three weeks in I was drowning, and even meeting with my professor wasn't enough of a life raft.  I was pretty much done for.  Even after three weeks into the semester my outlook on chemistry was not looking pretty.  After talking to one of my dear friends she told me to take the money I would use for some trip (cause she knows I like to travel...) and put it all on a tutor.  I thought that because I was a "non-traditional" student and SUPER POOR I would be able to get a tutor for free.  NOPE!  If I wanted a tutor it meant I needed to pay out of my pocket for one.  I guess I'm grateful for my tax return cause that's where that little extra cash is going to.  With that said, I bought me a tutor that was short lived, and obviously didn't help???  So, with much humility I took my friends advice and the very next day I purchased me a tutor at the cheap price of $10.00 an hour.  We had been meeting about four times a week and because of this upcoming test met all during my THREE DAY WEEKEND!  Now that was a sacrifice.  We (my tutor and I) had been trying to play catch up the last couple of weeks, and were doing fairly well.  By the time the three day weekend came along we were caught up, and were just going to study all we could over the weekend.  We met for about four hours on Saturday.  And then Monday we met for three hours.  He is married and does have another life, so that was all the time I could really get out of him.  My Mommy, bless her heart, even mysteriously got my Bishops phone number and called him to see if he would give me a blessing.  Then she went on to tell me that she had placed my name in 10 different temples prayer roll.  My sister told me to start re-reading The Power of Positive Thinking, and even my advisor at school who is "not a praying woman" said she would pray for me.  Well, what good ANY of that did.  Although, I appreciate every ones thoughts and prayers, they went unheard, so I guess it wasn't in the cards for me to pass, once again.

What more am I supposed to do!  Yes, I got a little bit of a late start with getting help in chemistry, but my tutor and I pulled through - so we thought.  We studied, I studied more than I probably did in the first chemistry.  I'm not a terribly bad person, I'm not perfect (like to think I am), I'm tired of being here in K-town/Cedar City, everyone around me is moving on with their lives, yet here I sit stagnate, not moving anywhere close to forward!  I'm very envious to those who are done with school, married, having kids, progressing in the kingdom, yet nothing much is coming from me.  I'm tired of running into people, family, whomever, and the first thing they ask me is, "What's going on with your life?"  When I say, "Oh, well you know, NOT MUCH!  And you?"  "Yes, I can see, you're progressing in life - good for you!  Apparently I'm not progressing AT ALL!"

I'm trying to do good things with my life.  I'm trying to do what my Mission President told me to do!  When him and I had my final "exit" interview he told me to go home and do three things.  He said, go home and get an education - go to school - since that was a failure before my mission.  Attend Institute - since I had never attended before my mission.  And lastly, he said go home and attend a singles ward, since I hadn't done that before my mission either.  He said that if I did these three things everything would fall into place.  Well, so much for that!  I'm no longer in a singles ward, I'm attending Institute, but will now be graduating that before I actually graduate the real school.  As for school - it has been nothing but a MAJOR HEADACHE from the day I got home from my mission.  

What am I to do?  Well, I've thought about dropping out.  What good is that going to do me?  NO GOOD!  I've thought about changing my major, but I'm steps away from fishing the program I am already in.  Lastly, I've thought about just sticking with it.  So, that is what I'm going to do.  Sadly, I'm going to TRY to push forward.  I have withdrawn from my chemistry class but can still attend the class. I will try to soak up as much as I can, then this summer I will register for the chemistry class again.  My tutor is all lined up and ready to go for the summer semester.  What else can I do?  My life just SUCKS - and I don't use that word very often, but right now I'm upset - with every right to be upset.  Or, maybe I'm just depressed, and this hopefully shall pass???