Monday, April 9, 2012

I'm Just a Glowing Ember

I am just a glowing ember.  With hope that my fire can once again be alight, but for now I just sit nestled in the pit of what was once a blazing fire.

Not sure how many of you faithful blog readers knew, but I once again retook the Praxis exam on March 10, 2012.  It was a quiet day, and has been a quiet time leading up to this exam that will set me free from my college education.  A week before the Praxis I had dreamt that I had over slept and missed the exam.  As I awoke to complete panic I soon realized that I still had one more week before the exam.  Once again, the very next night, I had another dream to which I woke up very discouraged.  I had dreamt that I had (at least) made it to my exam, but was given the results that I did not pass (once again).  I decided to push these thoughts aside and continue to not think, or care about the upcoming Praxis I would take again for a third time.  The Saturday of the 10th arrived, and I carelessly went and took my test.  With only minutes until the timer went off I managed to finish the test before time was called.  Time was called and I turned in the exam, and walked away with a thought that I don't care.  Whatever happens will happen.  This third time around I had been telling people (if the topic of my test came up - and was rarely brought up by me) I was not studying, and I was not going to use any religion.  Last time I had studied, and used all that religious stuff to only get me a score that was worse then the first time I took the test.  Now please don't misunderstand the "no religion" bit.  During this time of much trial (as I see my life right now - to which some of you are probably thinking, "Gee's Libby, it's a test get over it!"  Believe me, I wish I could...) I have turned to a wonderful talk that came out just before I left on mission many years ago.  The talk was give by one of my favorite apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Elder Oaks.  The talk entitled, "Timing" has made me realize that I am NOT in control AT ALL!

To sum up a majority of the talk given by Elder Oaks he shares some very insightful thoughts, "In all the important decisions in our lives, what is most important is to do the right thing.  Second, and only slightly behind the first, is to do the right thing at the right time.  People who do the right thing at the wrong time can be frustrated and ineffective.  They can even be confused about whether they made the right choice when what was wrong was not their choice but their timing...The Lord has His own timetable...all things must come to pass in their time...Trust in His timetable.  We should not try to impose our timetable on His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will...The timing must be right, and if the time is not right, our actions should be adjusted to the Lord's timetable...Even our most righteous desires may elude us, or come in different ways or at different times than we have sought to plan...If we have faith in God and if we are committed to the fundamentals of keeping His commandments and putting Him first in our lives, we do not need to plan every single event--even every important event--and we should not feel rejected or depressed if some things--even some very important things--do not happen at the time we had planned or hoped or prayed.  The most important principle of timing is to take the long view.  Mortality is just a small slice of eternity, but how we conduct ourselves here--what we become by our actions and desires, confirmed by our covenants and the ordinances administered to us by proper authority--will shape our destiny for all eternity."

The Lord is very much aware of the time table in each one of our lives.  However, very frustrating at times, and I want to just throw in the towel; it is very easy for my "natural woman" to shine threw, to curse His timing, and underestimate what He sees is fitting for me.  Like a child in the grocery store who wants a piece of candy, yet their Mother tells them no - the young child then throws a fit of screaming, crying, and creating an embarrassment.  Very much like a young child, this is also how I have felt the last couple of months.

All I have wanted to do for the past few years is graduate - this seems like a desirable goal, one that should be pleasing in the eyes of the Lord.  Yet here I am, not in school, working three measly jobs that can't even add up to a regular hour work week, and wondering whether or not I will pass the Praxis.  As the weeks moved forward I waited for the results of my Praxis.  It had become forgotten for the most part, but in the back of my mind I knew that (once again) this test would change my outcome for good or bad news in a couple of weeks.  Tuesday April 3, 2012 was the day the results would be posted.  The night before I decided to get on the computer and just check to see if the results were up, and if I remembered how to log in to see my results.  After a few tries I logged in and saw that the results were not posted.  No use crying over spilled milk - it was time for bed.  The quicker I went to sleep the quicker I would wake up in the morning to see the test results.  About 5:30am I awoke, and struggled to go back to sleep.  As much as I wanted to see my results for the test there was a major part of me that didn't want to see them.  I didn't want another let down.  I didn't want to have to pay the money to take this test again.  It is rather odd that a three digit number can change the outcome of your mood, and to be dramatic, one's life!  With trying to go back to sleep I failed, so I laid in bed for another thirty minutes.  At 6:30am I finally arose and went to get on the computer.  With much hesitation I logged on to see that results were posted.  Now all I had to do was click on mine.  Sucking in a deep breath I clicked on my results to see the glorious number of 162.  Pretty good in my opinion, considering I only needed a 159 for the state of Utah, and that the last time two times I took it I had received a 157, then a 151.  Seeing the 162 made me happy, but I wish that I could have been more excited.  I should have been completely thrilled about this great feat!  Yet, with the journey I have taken in school of taking class after class and not passing, then finally passing 4 or 5 classes later I am just worn out.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a feeling of much relief.  A lot of relief that I don't have to take this test again....unless I want to work in the state of Alaska (they want me to have a 168 on the Praxis - not going to happen, and I'm not going to live in Alaska year round!!!).  It is rather funny/interesting that most states want a 161 or 162 on the test, so with luck on my side for a change I can actually teach in a lot of states - if I even teach.  However, there are a few states that had such a low number that even the last time I took the test and got a 151 I could still teach in their state!!!

I should be ecstatic.  I did text a few people to let them know my good news, and heard happy replies from all.  Bless my dear friends hearts, Camaree and Kyle even took me to dinner to celebrate at my new favorite restaurant in Parowan Utah, called the "Dairy Freeze" - just an FYI they have the best ice cream ever!  But alas, my fire has gone out.  Now I am just a glowing ember in the pit of once was a blazing fire.  Maybe student teaching (FOR REAL) this time will ignite my glowing ember into a full fledge fire, or it could just burn out completely.  Only time will tell, but if I burn out it's okay because I have been making other plans - "when plan B doesn't work out there are 25 other letters in the alphabet."